


This is Reality

by quantum1342



Category: No. 6 (Anime & Manga), No. 6 - All Media Types, No. 6 - Asano Atsuko
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantum1342/pseuds/quantum1342
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nezumi was dead. He was definitely dead. Shion watched him die. So why does he keep seeing him? Are these dreams? Or maybe the other world's a dream...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

At first all Shion can see is blood. So much blood. It’s all around Nezumi. He sees Nezumi, lying there in the blood. His emotions are rushing through his mind all at once. Fear. Anger. Sadness. They threaten to overpower him. He yells Nezumi’s name, hoping that he isn’t already too late. He runs to Nezumi. He knows that he should slow down, think rationally, but he can’t. He kneels down and pulls Nezumi onto his lap. He knows he shouldn’t, that doing so might hurt him more, but he his emotions are overpowering his logic. He can’t think. He can’t see. All he sees is red.

Nezumi is crying. Partly because of the pain, but he’s faced worse. He’s crying because now Shion is here, holding him. He is happy that he gets to see Shion one more time. But he knows that he is about to leave Shion alone again, something he promised he would never do. And he hates himself for it. He can see the pain in Shion’s eyes and cries because he knows it’s all his fault.

He starts to apologize to Shion, starts to say he’s sorry, but Shion gently shushes him. Shion has to put on a brave face for Nezumi. He has to show him that he will live. He has to. So Shion doesn’t let him apologize. Shion doesn’t let him apologize for leaving because he knows he won’t leave. He shushes Nezumi, and tells him that the wounds aren’t that serious. That Nezumi is going to be fine. But they both know that Shion is saying this to himself more than to Nezumi.

They both know it’s a lie.

Shion knows it’s hopeless if he doesn’t find help. He knows that he has less than five minutes to find a doctor. Less than five minutes to save Nezumi’s life. If he leaves now and moves quickly, he could make it. If he leaves now, he could get back in time. He could save Nezumi. He tells Nezumi to hold on, that he is going to go get a doctor. Shion tells him that there is still time, that he will find someone to save him. Shion tells him to stay there, and not to move. He says he’s going to be right back. He’s going to be back in time to save Nezumi.

Nezumi knows that’s not true. He knows that there is no time. His time is up. He’s only managed to stay alive until now because he wanted to see Shion. That wish was granted. Now he wants Shion to stay with him. There’s no time. If Shion leaves now, he won’t ever see him again. So he stops him. He puts a hand on Shion’s face, smearing his blood on Shion’s cheek.

Talking is difficult. He is weak from pain and blood loss. But he manages to speak. To tell Shion not to go.

Shion is trying not to cry now. He knows that Nezumi wants to live, wants to survive. The only reason he would stop Shion from getting a doctor is if he knows he is too late. Shion doesn’t want to lose Nezumi. He’s lost him before, and doesn’t want to go through that again. Because this time will be different. There is no promise of reunion. He can’t leave his bedroom window open in the hope that one day Nezumi will come through. Shion doesn’t want to lose him. He can’t. He tells Nezumi. He says that he can’t lose him, that he can’t imagine life without him.

Nezumi looks at him. He seems almost peaceful now. There are no traces of the pain from just moments before. It is a struggle to keep his hand on Shion’s face. He wants to tell Shion something, something he’s known for a long time. Something he never had the courage to say. He wants to say it now, before he loses the chance forever. He can barely speak now. He can barely be heard. And for the first time, he says the words to Shion.

“I love you.”

Shion can’t hold back the tears any longer. He knows this, he always knew. He tells Nezumi. He is somehow able to form words through his crying. He tells Nezumi that he loves him, too, and that Nezumi never needed to say because he’s always known. Nezumi doesn’t need to respond. Shion already knows what his response would be.

Nezumi wishes that he had the strength left to give Shion a proper farewell, but he can feel his life rapidly draining away.

“You’re…” His hand slips off of Shion’s face, slowly falling to his side, leaving behind the smears of his blood on Shion’s cheek. “going to be…” His eyes are closing. He can feel all of the muscles in his body start to relax. “fine…”

Nezumi’s body goes limp in Shion’s arms. “No,” he whispers. Then he turns his face to the sky and screams, the sound of his voice ringing through the night.

“NEZUMI!”


	2. Part 2

Inukashi opens the door. What she sees surprises her so much, she has to close her eyes and look again. Standing at her door is… She thinks it could be Shion, but he is covered in blood. His clothes are soaked through, and it is all over his face, all through his hair. Inukashi can’t think for a moment. All she can think is _No, no, not yet. Not yet. It’s too soon._ But Shion is standing outside her door. She has to help him.

“Shion, are you okay?” She asks slowly, still very afraid of the answer. He finally looks up and meets her eyes. The look in his eyes… She hasn’t ever seen an expression like that one. Shion shakes his head, almost imperceptibly. Inukashi is confused at first, wondering what he means by this, but realizes that it is in response to her own question. Shion is not okay.

“Shion, why don’t you come in here with me? It’s warm in here. We can get you washed off and see how bad the injuries are, and then maybe get you to a doctor- Hey! Are you even listening?” It is clear that he isn’t. He is just looking at her, with those eyes, asking- no, begging her to help him. “What do you want? If you’re hurt then…” Inukashi trails off as she comes to the sickening realization. Why Shion was able to stand unwavering at her door, even with so much blood on him. Why the boy was refusing her care. Why he has that look in his eyes.

Why Nezumi isn’t with him.

She realizes that all of this blood… It’s not Shion’s. She understands now. “Shion…” She can’t think of anything to say. What can she say? Nezumi is… well… If he were alive, then Shion wouldn’t have come alone. That much, she knows.

She doesn’t know what to do. She can’t deal with this. When has she ever had to deal with something like this? Never, that’s when. She wants to help Shion, but has no idea how. It doesn’t help that she is barely able to think. Her mind keeps filling itself with images of Nezumi. Nezumi laughing, Nezumi yelling, Nezumi smirking. Nezumi singing. And then she sees him in the Correctional Facility, bloodied and beaten. And his face…It was similar to how Shion’s is now. _No,_ she tells herself. _Don’t think about him for now. You have to help Shion._ She tried to think about how she felt when one of her dogs died. What she wanted then. She would want the dog to have a proper burial. She would want to find it, and bring it back here, where Shion would help dig a grave, and Nezumi would come and sing. But Nezumi can’t sing now… _Focus!_ She tells herself.

“What do you want, Shion?” The look in his eyes tells her that he isn’t really in a state to give directions. He probably can’t even speak. He hasn’t spoken yet. “Okay, Shion. I need you to take me to him. Shion!” She yells his name, getting his attention. She hates this, having to be the sane one. She still can’t get the images out of her mind, the images of Nezumi. And every time she does, she is faced with the much harsher reality. Shion, covered in blood.

“Shion,” Inukashi says again, a little more softly. She wants him to see her as a friend, so that he will allow her to help. “Shion, you need to take me to him. Okay? Shion? I can help, but I need you to take me to him.” Shion looks at her, as though this is what he wants to hear. He gives her a slight nod, and then turns around and sets out on the path.

She notes that he isn’t as steady on his feet as she’d first thought. Maybe he is injured as well. As soon as she finds Nezumi, she is going to get help for Shion. But for now, Inukashi has to follow him. She has to find Nezumi so that she can help them both.

Shion leads her and her dogs through West Block, and stops at the end of an alleyway. Inukashi recognizes one of her dogs, standing guard over something. She assumes it’s Nezumi’s body. She approaches the dog warily, and her suspicions are confirmed. Inukashi can’t do anything for a moment except stare at the lifeless body. Nezumi had always seemed a little inhuman, but now here he is. Cold. Not moving. Dead. There is no longer any doubt.

Nezumi is dead.

Inukashi wants to cry. She doesn’t want to cry over this greedy heartless bastard, but she almost can’t stop herself. She feels the tears start to heat up behind her eyes, but she somehow manages to push them back. Save that for later. She can’t cry now. She has to be strong for Shion.

She needs to get his body out of here. If Nezumi stays here, even with her dogs guarding him, it won’t be long before the Cleaners come and take him away. But how would she move him? She certainly won’t carry him herself. And the other question is where could she take him? She didn’t know.

She also has to get Shion to someplace where he can be helped. She still doesn’t know if he has been hurt as well; there is a lot of blood on him. She needs to take him to Karan’s. But she doesn’t have a clue what to do with Nezumi. “Shion,” she starts to ask, but he is not paying attention to her. He is staring at Nezumi’s body. “Shion!” she yells, to get his attention. She puts her hands on his face and pulls it up towards her. “Shion,” she says, less forcefully. “What do you want me to do with Nezumi?” he looks at her blankly for a moment. She realizes that he has lost touch with reality. He doesn’t know what’s going on.

And is it really fair for her to ask him this, when she can barely think herself? She can’t stand Nezumi, and yet this is affecting her this much. She can’t imagine what it must be like for Shion, when the two are -were- so close. How can she expect Shion to have the answers to these questions, when she can’t even think of them herself?

She wants to hug him, to wrap her skinny arms around him and pull him close to her. Even though she is younger and smaller than he is, she still wants to comfort him.

Inukashi feels a presence behind her. At first she thinks it is one of the Cleaners, and she turns around, ready to fight. She’s been in a few scrambles with the Cleaners before, and it nearly cost her her life. When she turns, the first thing that she registers is the man’s uniform. Images flash through her mind. Images of the Correctional Facility. Every person there wore the same uniform. This one strongly resembled the uniform of the soldiers that had been guarding the Facility.

The man calls out to her. “What happened here? Do you know this man?”

Inukashi still doesn’t trust him. She has to protect Shion and Nezumi. She drops lower into her stance, signaling to the dogs that this man could be trouble.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” the man says. “I’m a police officer,” the man says. He steps forward, holding something in his hand. Inukashi bristles. She doesn’t want this man anywhere near her friends. He shows her what he is holding in his hand. “See? This is my ID. I want to help. Can you tell me who this man is?” Again, the cop motions to Nezumi.

“He’s Nezumi,” Inukashi says shortly. “He’s dead.”

The cop nods. “Very well. Do you know him? With your permission, I’d like to take him to the police station in the city, where we can investigate what happened here and maybe find whoever did this to him. Would you like that?”

Inukashi snarls at him. “Don’t treat me like I’m some fucking kid,” she says. But the decision is not hers. It is Shion’s. She turns to face the boy. “Did you hear what that guy said? Is that okay?”

Shion’s slowly drags his eyes away from Nezumi’s corpse, and he looks up at her. He has no idea what was just said.

“This guy is a cop. He’s going to take Nezumi’s body to the police station with him and they can find the bastard who did this. Is that okay with you?” Shion looks at her for a moment, then he nods.

“It’s fine,” Inukashi addresses the cop.

But the cop isn’t really paying attention to her. He is just noticing Shion. “Who is he? Is he alright?”

Inukashi looks at Shion. Is he really alright? She has no idea. She can guess that his mind is going to be a little messed up by this as she’s seen it happen. But she honestly doesn’t know if he is hurt or not. “I think he’s okay. I’m taking him to his mother’s.”

“What happened to him?”

“He and Nezumi are… pretty good friends. He must’ve watched him die, I think.”

The cop nods. “Well,” he says, “I’m going to take Mr. Nezumi to the morgue. Where will I be able to find you two?”

“You’re probably never going to see me again. If you really need to know, this guy knows where to find me,” Inukashi says, pointing to Shion. “And as for him, I’m taking him to Karan’s Bakery. What she does with him afterward doesn’t matter to me.”

The cop then walks away from them, and makes a call on the radio requesting additional personnel to deal with a murder investigation.

“You’d better hurry and get out of here,” he says to Inukashi. “When the other cops arrive, they will interview you both as suspects and they won’t go any easier on him, despite what happened. I suggest you take him to Karan’s Bakery as soon as you can.

“Yeah,” Inukashi nods, then takes Shion by the arm. “Come on, we’re going to go see your mom.” She starts to lead him away, but he resists. “Come on, Shion. We have to go.” Still, he fights her. It’s not like he is at all effective, but she’d rather he provide some forward movement, or at least nothing backward. “Shion, the cops are going to take care of him. Okay? I’m sorry but we have to leave. Now.” Shion doesn’t react, but he does stop fighting her as she leads him away.

They leave the alleyway. Shion starts to get slower and slower, then he stops. Inukashi stops as well, and turns to face him. “Hey, are you okay?” Then he lost consciousness, dropping to the ground like a sack of bricks.

 

~~~

 

Shion wakes up in his old bed at his mom’s. Why is he here? Why isn’t he back at his apartment with- and then it hits him. All of the events of the previous night. Was it a dream? Yes, he decides. It must have been a dream. But it had felt so real…

He starts to drag himself out of bed, but stops. He aches all over. It is becoming harder to deny that the events didn’t happen. He gets out of bed and makes the short walk down the hall to the bathroom. It is terrible. He is sore and tired and just generally weary. He opens the bathroom door and steps inside.

He stands still in the middle of the room, trying to convince himself that it was all a dream. Of course it was a dream. Nezumi wouldn’t leave him again. Shion looks at his face in the mirror. It knocks him off balance, and he needs to grab at the counter to stop himself from falling over.

His hair. It still has red streaks running through it. His clothes have been changed, but his hair and his face still have the distinctive stains of blood on them. He touches the smudge of dried blood on his face. _This is Nezumi’s blood,_ he thinks. _This is where he touched me._ He closes his eyes and imagines the touch of Nezumi’s hand on his skin. Imagines his smell.

It hadn’t been a dream. Nezumi is dead. It wasn’t another cruel nightmare, drawn up by his brain to torment him. This is reality.

He wants to go back to his bed and just lay there. But he can’t move. He is riveted to the spot. He is afraid that if he lets go of the bathroom counter, he will collapse. So he continues to stand there and stare at his own bloodied face, reliving painful memories from all through his past.

He hears someone knocking on the bathroom door. “Shion?” It is his mother’s voice. “Are you in here?”

Shion thinks about responding to her, but decides that he’s not ready to speak yet. He wants to knock back on the door to tell her that yes, he is here, but his hand feels too heavy to move.

“Shion, I’m coming in here,” says Karan. She waits for a moment, then opens the door and steps inside.

He looks at her. At any other time, he would at least try to hide how upset he is. But this time, it hurts too much to hide. He doesn’t want her to worry about him, but he needs her support more than he needs to be kind. She takes him into her arms, holding him in her embrace. She rocks slowly from side to side, stroking his hair. _Nezumi always strokes my hair like that_

“It’ll be okay, honey. It’s going to be alright,” she whispers to him.

_No, it’s not. He’s gone. How can anything be alright now?_ But it’s not the words themselves that hold the meaning. It’s the way she says them. Even though the actual words are empty and devoid of meaning, the way that Karan says them calms Shion better than anything else he can think of.

He doesn’t know how long he stood there with his mother holding him and stroking his hair and whispering comforting words into his ear. He has no idea how long it had been when Karan releases him.

“Shion, come downstairs with me and eat something.”

He doesn’t feel hungry, but he doesn’t have the strength to resist her right now. He follows her down the stairs. He takes a seat at the table and just stares down at it with his head in his hands. Karan disappears into the kitchen and comes back out with a small cup of soup and a roll and places them on the table in front of Shion.

“I know you don’t want to, honey, but you have to eat.”

He glances at the food with distaste. He doesn’t want to eat. He doesn’t feel hungry. If anything, he feels sick. He can’t eat, he can’t do anything. He sees no point. All he can think about is Nezumi. Nezumi’s face, his touch, his smell.

“Shion, please. Eat.”

He shakes his head. He won’t eat it. He knows that by not eating, he is upsetting his mother, but he can’t seem to find it in himself to care as much as he used to.

The doorbell rings and Karan excuses herself to go and answer it. Shion vaguely wonders if the store really is still open, but can’t really come up with a definite answer. Images of Nezumi are filling his mind. He sees him everywhere. Shion doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to escape him.

There are voices coming from outside. His mother’s and an older man’s, it seemed like. The man’s voice registers somewhere in Shion’s brain as being familiar, but the observation is quickly dismissed. A third voice breaks through the other two, loudly.

“Okay, I brought you here. Just like you said. Can I go home now?” Shion knows this voice quite well. It is Inukashi’s.

The man says something else which Shion doesn’t bother to try to catch.

After they exchange a few more words, Karan opens the door and lets them in. Shion picks his head up and sees Inukashi come in with a policeman.

The police man walks toward Shion and extends a hand. “You’re Shion, right? My name’s Jeff. Nice to meet you.”

Shion looks at the hand. He knows that there is something to do, but he can’t work through his mind properly enough to figure out what to do with it.

Inukashi barks out a laugh. “Jeff the Cop? You could start a kid’s radio show!” Karan silences her with a glare.

Jeff ignores Inukashi and continues talking to Shion. “So, Shion. Do you think you could tell me what happened?”

_What happened?_ As soon as the man says this the memories start and Shion can’t stop them. He sees Nezumi, bleeding out on the ground. He sees Nezumi in his lap, asking him to stay with him. He feels Nezumi’s hand on his cheek, and hears the way Nezumi’s voice whispers those three little words. He almost breaks down right there.

Jeff can see that the boy is being haunted by what happened and does not pursue the issue.

“Hey, Shion!” Inukashi calls out to him. “You gonna eat that?” Shion shakes his head. “You idiot!” She yells and runs right up to him, getting in his face. “Look at that! When’s the last time you had a healthy meal, huh? And look, now it’s being given to you, and you don’t even care!”

Her words sting. They are true, of course, but that’s not what hurts Shion. What she says, it sounds a lot like…

“And don’t think that bast- I mean, that _guy_ would say anything different. He’d say the exact same thing. So just do it, okay?”

Inukashi is right. Shion had been thinking the exact same thing just moments before. He sighs. He still feels sick, but Inukashi is right. He has to eat.

And eat, he does. He reaches out and takes the spoon and starts tentatively sipping at the soup. It is no longer hot, but it is good. Shion almost wishes he can’t taste it, because that would make more sense in his mind. Him being able to taste it, and knowing that it tastes good, it only confuses him more.

The cop turns to Karan. “How close were they?”

Shion pauses, wondering how Karan will respond. “I’m not entirely sure,” she says. “They were very close, but I couldn’t tell you exactly what they were to each other.”

_I’m not entirely sure what I mean to him,_ Shion thinks, _but I know what he is to me. He is my everything. He is my world. Without him, there is nothing._ Shion takes another sip of the soup. This time, it does seem bland. _Without him, there is nothing._

“Well if that’s the case, then you may want to find a psychologist for him. If he hasn’t said a word yet, it’s likely at this point that he won’t say anything for a long time. Maybe never. And from what we can tell about what happened, this will have a negative effect on his mental state. The sooner you get him a doctor, the more likely his chances are of regaining some kind of normalcy.”

Karan nods. “Thank you. I’ll definitely take it into consideration. Is there anything I can do for him here?”

“From what I can see, you’ve been doing just fine. Just be supportive, get him to eat and sleep. Don’t leave him alone, though. Watch him carefully, especially for the next few weeks. With a loss like this, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for him to-“

“Shut up!” Inukashi stands up, and yells, cutting Jeff off. “Just shut up! Stop talking about him like he isn’t here! Well guess what!” She waves an arm in Shion’s direction. “He’s right there! He might not say anything, bet he can still understand everything you guys are saying! I can’t believe you would talk like that, _especially_ in front of him.”

Shion looks up at her. He can’t believe that she is defending him like this. She is in almost a blind rage, standing up and yelling blindly at the two adults. It reminds him of the time he got mad at Rikiga for insulting Nezumi. His moment of awe passes as his thoughts turn back to Nezumi.

Karan smiles at Inukashi. “Yes, of course. You are right. I was just about to stop Mr. Jeff myself.” She turns to the police officer. “But you are right as well. Shion?” She turns and addresses him. He looks up, showing that he’s listening.

“Would you mind if we had some meetings with a psychologist?”

He shakes his head. He wouldn’t mind.

“Okay. I’ll do that then.” She turns back to Jeff. “I’m sorry that we couldn’t be any more helpful. I’ll let you know if he’s ready to answer your questions.”

“Thank you. And I’ll try to keep you updated on the case.”

“I would appreciate that, yes.”

Jeff stands up. “Well, I’d best be off. It was nice meeting you Karan, Shion.”

“I’ll show you out,” Karan says, and leads the man to the door. When she comes back in, Inukashi shifts nervously.

“I actually have to go, too. I’ve got loads of sh- uh, _stuff_ to do today, so…”

“Absolutely, go, do what you have to. Oh, but here!” Karan grabs a paper bag from one of the counters and starts stuffing it with all kinds of rolls and pastries. “Take this with you,” she says, offering the now overflowing bag.

Inukashi looks at it with distrust. “How much does all that cost, exactly?”

“Oh, just take it. You don’t have to pay me a cent.”

This does not seem any more comforting to Inukashi. There is no such thing as free food. And she is considerably more edgy as of late. Nezumi had been one of the best. So what’s to stop whoever got him from getting her, too?

Karan sees this distrust on Inukashi’s boyish face. She thrusts the bag out and into Inukashi’s arms. “I mean it, take it. Now go, take that home and then start your work.” She takes Inukashi by the shoulders and spins her around. She then practically shoves Inukashi out the door, not giving the girl a chance to give the bag back.

She crosses the room back to the table where Shion is sitting. He has by now eaten all of the soup, but none of the roll. The roll is incredibly bland to him and he really does feel sick.

“Oh good,” Karan says. “You did eat all of that. Do you think you’ll be able to sleep on your own, or would you like me to give you something?”

Shion thinks that even if he were to go to sleep on his own, his nightmares would keep waking him up, so he opts to have her give him something.

He takes the sleeping pill and goes up to his bed. He shivers in the cold. It is actually quite warm in the house, but, as Shion has learned from painful experience, it is always cold when you’re alone.

 

Shion sits alone in his room. It has been a week since Nezumi was killed. Yesterday, he had had his first session with the psychologist. It hadn’t been as helpful as he’d hoped. The woman was still operating under the assumption the he and Nezumi were just friends. Needless to say, most of what she had said didn’t really apply to Shion.

Today, there is a fairly large group of people downstairs in the main part of the house. Earlier this morning had been Nezumi’s funeral service. More people had shown up than Shion had expected. Many of those people are downstairs now, eating Karan’s food, and just enjoying themselves. Shion knows that Nezumi would want for Shion to join them and enjoy himself, but he just can’t make it happen right now. _Maybe in a year. Maybe on the anniversary I’ll be able to have fun._

He sits on the bed, and is overcome with a wave of exhaustion. He has been standing all day and having to keep himself composed for so long. Now he is in his room, and nobody would judge him here for crying. But he has cried so much in this past week, all he feels now is weary. He just wants to sleep.

He lies down on the bed, pulling the blankets around himself to create warmth. For the first time in a week, he doesn’t need the aid of the sleeping medication. He is able to close his eyes, clear his mind, and let sleep take him.

 

***

 

Shion awakes to the smell of breakfast being cooked. He hasn’t had breakfast cooked for him like this in… in over a week. He inhales deeply, letting the scent of the food fill his nostrils. It reminds him of Nezumi, of the countless times he had woken up to the very same smell. Nezumi would be in the kitchen and, if Shion played his cards just right, Nezumi would bring the food in to bed with him.

Shion misses Nezumi’s cooking. Even though they had been in West Block where the food was not as good, Nezumi could make things that tasted good. Once he had started using Karan’s kitchen, the food had been phenomenal. This breakfast smell eerily similar to Nezumi’s. _Karan must have one of Nezumi’s recipes,_ Shion reasons.

He doesn’t want to move. He wants to just lie in bed and let this smell fill his mind with happy memories. He doesn’t want to go back downstairs and face reality. But he knows he has to sooner or later. So he gets up, goes to the bathroom, and goes downstairs.

He is in the main room when he hears a voice call out, “If you’re looking for Karan, she’s out on errands.” _That voice… No…_

Shion enters the kitchen cautiously. He doesn’t know what he will see. He is afraid to know. Slowly, he looks up and locks eyes with the person who is standing there.

What Shion sees takes his breath away. He can’t stay standing. He has to grab hold to the edge of the counter to keep his balance. He can’t think. He can’t do anything but stare. He can barely do that much. His entire body is immobilized, just like the first time they were locked with those stunning eyes. Those breathtakingly mysterious grey eyes. He feels like he can’t breathe, because that person is standing there before him, just standing there in the kitchen, perfectly alive and breathing.

It is Nezumi.


	3. Part 3

Nezumi is standing there in front of him. Shion doesn’t understand. How can Nezumi be here, just making breakfast like nothing is wrong? Shion watched him die. Nezumi died in his arms, and yet here he is, alive. Shion can’t believe it. All he can see is Nezumi’s eyes form that night, watching as the light left them, seeing Nezumi fade away right in front of him… Could all that have been a dream? Just another nightmare? But it all seemed so real. It hadn’t been just a normal nightmare, the kind that he wakes up from whenever it gets too unbearable. But this… this one had seemed different from the others.

“You’re blocking the doorway,” says Nezumi. He is holding a tray with all the breakfast he just finished cooking. Shion steps aside. He feels like he is floating. _Nezumi is alive. It was all just a nightmare. He’s alive._ Nezumi takes the tray to the table, and sits down. He calls back out to Shion. “Hey, are you going to come eat, or do I get all of this to myself?”

Shion doesn’t really trust himself to walk. His knees feel weak. His balance is unsteady. But walk, he does, using a hand on the wall to steady himself. He walks out of the kitchen. Nezumi is serving food out onto the plates that had already been laid out. Such a normal act, yet Shion can’t help but stare. He stares in wonder at Nezumi’s graceful figure laying out the plates. Nezumi dying… It had all felt so real. He can’t get the images, the feelings of his death out of his mind.

Nezumi stops what he is doing and looks at Shion. Meeting eyes with him again… It sends shivers down Shion’s spine. “Hey,” Nezumi says. “Are you okay?”

Shion hears Nezumi’s voice, but all he can think of is that voice closing around those last words. _You’re going to be fine…_ Nezumi walks towards him. “Shion?”

Shion simply stares at Nezumi. _He’s alive. He’s really alive._ “Nezu… mi…” The words are out before he can stop them. His voice comes out in a raspy whisper, as though he really hasn’t spoken in over a week. But it’s okay to speak to Nezumi. Nezumi and Nezumi alone is allowed to hear his voice. That’s what Shion has decided.

Nezumi recognizes the look on Shion’s face and the way he says his name. The desolation and utter wonderment, just from looking at him, seeing that he is alive… these are feelings that Nezumi is all too familiar with. He guesses exactly what had happened in Shion’s nightmares, because he’s had nightmares of his own. 

Nezumi walks across the room and takes Shion into his arms. Shion feels so comfortable, being held close like this. Feeling Nezumi’s body, his warmth, his smell. All of these things are so familiar to Shion, and this familiarity calms him. He feels Nezumi’s hot breath against his ear, and with it, his low voice. “It’s alright, it’s okay. I’m here now.” Nezumi strokes his hair gently. The slow rhythm sooths Shion. “It was just a dream. I’m here. I’m here.”

“Nezumi…” Shion says again. He is so overwhelmed by emotion. Happiness, disbelief, but there is still so much sadness. So much grief. “You were…” he doesn’t want to say the word. It’s as though, as long as he doesn’t say the words, he can continue to pretend it didn’t happen. Except it didn’t. Nezumi didn’t die. He was here, holding him in his arms. This gives Shion the strength to say what he had been trying to deny for what felt like over a week. “… dead,”

Nezumi pulls him closer. “Shhh,” he whispers. “It’s okay, it was just a dream. It’s all over now. I’m here.”

“I know…” After not speaking for so long, it feels strange to talk this much. “But it felt so real… And I didn’t just wake up, it just kept going…”

“Shhh, don’t worry about it, okay?”

“Yeah…” How can Shion not worry about it? Less than ten minutes ago, he’d thought Nezumi was dead. _But he’s alive…_

Nezumi releases Shion from his embrace, holding him at shoulder length. When he speaks again, it is in a normal voice. “Let’s have breakfast, okay?”

Shion nods and Nezumi lets go of him to go sit at the table. Shion follows him, sitting across from him. 

He doesn’t say anything for a while. He is just enjoying Nezumi’s presence. He expects Nezumi to say something to him. To ask if hi is okay again. But he doesn’t. Eventually, Shion can’t take the silence anymore. “I didn’t say a word, you know.”

Nezumi looks up. “Hm?” 

“I didn’t say a word to anyone.” He realizes that he doesn’t know how Nezumi would react to this, and so he decides not to elaborate. He has his reasons for not speaking, but he suspects that Nezumi will make fun of him for it.

Images from the dream are still so vivid in his mind, as clear as memories. “Don’t dreams usually dissipate by now?” he asks Nezumi. “It still feels so real…” 

“Shion, none of that happened. You know that. This is reality.”

“Yeah, I know,” Shion says. Memories from his dream are still spinning through his mind. The pain, although it is starting to diminish, is still present. It is no longer crushing, but the weight is still there. “But I still don’t think I’m going to talk to anyone for a while,” he adds. 

“That’s fine,” says Nezumi. They finish the meal without saying anything else. Nezumi stands up and takes his plate to the kitchen. He grabs Shion’s on his way past, then disappears into the kitchen.

Logically, Shion knows that Nezumi is just in the kitchen. He knows that Nezumi will be back in a matter of seconds. He knows that, right? He remembers all of the times Nezumi has disappeared from him. Every time. Twelve years old: waking up to find him gone. Sixteen years old: every time he left to go to his mysterious job. Sixteen years old: standing out on a hill in front of the city and being left with nothing but the words _Saikai wo kanarazu. Reunion will come._ Eighteen years old: watching him die. Could this all be a hallucination? Something his mind made up in order to relieve some of the pain? 

Nezumi comes back in, causing Shion to sigh in relief. Even if this is all a product of his mind, the illusion isn’t over yet.

“Hey…” Nezumi says. Shion can’t meet Nezumi’s eyes. “I’m here, I was just in the kitchen.” He pulls Shion’s chin up, forcing him to look into those deep gray eyes. “Hey, are you really okay?” Shion doesn’t trust himself to respond. Those eyes have him completely captured, just as they had every time before and just as they would continue to do every time to come. “Do you want me to stay home from work today?”

Shion forces himself to think about what Nezumi is saying. He would very much like it if Nezumi stayed here with him, but doesn’t want Nezumi to have to miss work. He shakes his head.

“I can miss, it’ll be fine,” says Nezumi. “It’s not like I have any major shows today.”

Nezumi grabs Shion’s wrist and leads him to the living room, where there are several books lying around. Karan had started reading almost as avidly as Nezumi once all of the City’s book restrictions had been lifted. She borrowed books from Shion and Nezumi’s apartment by the armful, and wouldn’t usually give them back unless Nezumi requested them specifically by title. With Nezumi being… well, Nezumi, the only books they would ever get back are Nezumi’s personal favorites. There are quite a few books here, including a few that Shion hasn’t read at all. Nezumi knows which ones these are, and hands one of them to Shion.

Shion takes the book, and wonders how Nezumi knows that this is the one he wants to read. He realizes that Nezumi really does watch him this closely, really does pay attention to what he does and says. Enough to know which books Shion has and hasn’t read. If it were anyone else, Shion would see it as creepy or stalkerish. But it’s Nezumi. Nezumi who doesn’t show emotion or affection. And yet, Shion can see how much Nezumi truly cares. Shion tries to make eye contact with the other boy, to show him that he understands, that he appreciates it. But Nezumi has already opened up a book of his own, and ignoring Shion with such intensity that Shion is sure he saw him.

And so for the next few hours they just sit, side by side, reading their books and sharing each other’s warmth. At some point during that time, Karan comes home, and is now in the front, running the bakery. Customers were stopping in; some of the regulars actually come into the back to converse with Karan. Shion barely registers any of this, he is so lost in the story. Secretly, he is glad of the distraction. He is glad that he is able to drift away from reality, from the nightmare that is still haunting his vision. He is glad that for at least today, for these few hours, he can let all of his problems just slip away.

“Shion, are you all right?” Karan asks. The three of them are at dinner. Shion hasn’t said a word to Karan.

Shion looks at her and nods. He glances quickly at Nezumi, then back down at his food, staring at it intently. Karan can tell that he is trying to hide something. It has something to do with Nezumi, she is sure, but what could it be?

 _Could it be that they…_ She doesn’t even finish the thought. She knows that is not the case, and she knows what did happen is something bad. But what? What could possibly hurt Shion like this? She looks to Nezumi, knowing that he probably has the answer.

He makes eye contact with Karan and gives her a slight nod, and a look that says, _He’s fine. I can handle it. I’ll take care of him._

Karan returns the nod, telling him that she trusts him. And she does. It’s hard, to put the well-being of her son into someone else’s hands, but she trusts Nezumi. He has saved Shion so many times, Karan is sure that her son is much safer with him than he ever was with her. Even so, it is always difficult to place the safety of one’s own child into the hands of another.

Nobody says much of anything during dinner. They just eat in silence. The time passes slowly for Karan, and she has to force herself to eat. She is worried about Shion, but knows that not eating would, if anything, make things worse. She just has to trust Nezumi.

Karan finishes her dinner before both boys, and decides to leave them. She gets up, takes her plate to the kitchen, then goes into the main room to read.

After Karan leaves, Shion turns to Nezumi. “Are you going to make me finish this?” he asks quietly.

Nezumi chuckles softly and nods. “As much as you can get through. But don’t force yourself, Your Majesty.”

Shion shoots him a look which makes him chuckle again. But despite this, he doesn’t eat very much more.

Nezumi stands up as the same time as Shion and together they go to the kitchen to clear their plates. When Shion turns to leave the room, Nezumi puts a hand on his arm and turns him back around.

“If you’re not really okay, you need to tell me,” Nezumi says. He doesn’t want to show Shion how concerned he is. He doesn’t want to be as concerned as he is. But there’s no point in hiding things from Shion.

“I’m fine,” he says. “Really. I’m just…”

“Just what?” Nezumi keeps his voice hard, or at least as hard as he can manage. He knows what it’s like, to wake up in the morning thinking that Shion is dead, but the feeling almost always melts away the moment he sees him. It is clear that Shion’s dream isn’t dissipating.

“Just tired, that’s all. I think I’m going to go to bed now…”

Nezumi nods. He’s been thinking of going to bed early, too. He has to get up early tomorrow, and has been contemplating the idea of going to bed early himself. And even if that weren’t the case, he still wants to stay with Shion.

He bows low. “Mind if I join you, Your Majesty?”

Shion smiles faintly, and tries to push him over, but Nezumi had known it was coming and steps out of the way just in time.

“So long as I can actually _sleep,_ ” Shion responds.

“Shion!” Nezumi says in mock horror. “What could you possibly be suggesting?”

“I’m suggesting that I’m exhausted and I want to sleep,” Shion says. Nezumi chuckles, part of him wishing that Shion didn’t always know the perfect thing to say. The other part of him loves it.

They walk up to the bedroom side by side, with their shoulders occasionally brushing. The room they had at Karan’s house was Shion’s old bedroom from when he still lived with her. It was the same furniture as well, meaning there is only the one small bed. Nezumi doesn’t know where Karan thinks he sleeps when they stay over, but he doesn’t exactly care, either.

Nezumi opens the door and follows Shion inside. He and Shion go to opposite sides of the room to change back into their pajamas. Nezumi has to stifle a laugh. After all this time, after everything, Shion still has to face away from him when he changes. On any other day, Nezumi would have called him out on it. _What could you possibly be trying to hide that I haven’t seen before?_ But today… He can tell that Shion is tired and really does just want to go to bed.

Nezumi climbs into bed next to Shion. The bed really is small, no bigger than the cot he had when they lived out in West Block. But as he pulls the covers over himself and tries to settle in, Shion scoots in closer to him.

“Nezumi…” he whispers. Nezumi wraps his arms around the other boy, pulling him closer.

“What happened to getting to sleep, huh?” he asks quietly. But he is not altogether displeased.

“I…” Shion starts, but then he trails off. “In the dream,” he says finally. “I lost you. You were…”

Nezumi doesn’t want Shion to think of this. He doesn’t like seeing just how much he affected the boy’s life. Nezumi doesn’t like seeing Shion like this, partly because he doesn’t want Shion to be haunted by Nezumi’s death. But also because it makes Nezumi think about how Shion felt when after he left. How had Shion reacted then? Had he been just like this?

“And…” Shion’s voice, although barely more than a whisper, cuts through Nezumi’s thoughts. “And everybody… They all were trying to help me… and I didn’t say a word to them. And there was this police officer, and he kept asking me questions, trying to get me to tell him what happened, and I wanted to, I did. But I just couldn’t…”

“It’s okay,” Nezumi whispers, for the third time that day.

“I was there, too,” Shion says. “When you… I was there. I was holding you. I had to watch you die, and there was nothing I could do about it!” he is still speaking quietly, but it was clear he was starting to get agitated. “I couldn’t—” he stops short, and takes a deep breath. When he speaks again, calmness has returned to his voice.

“It was the worst feeling of my life. Being so helpless…” he raises his eyes to meet Nezumi’s. “I don’t ever want to lose you again,” Shion whispers. He shifts just a tad closer to Nezumi. “I love you.”

And then Nezumi can hold back no longer. He pulls Shion even closer and, after less than a second’s hesitation, kisses him lightly.

Despite Shion’s earlier claims that he wanted to just go to sleep, he responds to Nezumi quite eagerly, pulling him farther into the kiss. Nezumi hadn’t expected Shion to respond this way, and he certainly didn’t expect his own subsequent reaction.

 _Well,_ he thinks, _maybe I don’t have to be in that early…_

 

 

Shion is still breathing heavily. His heart is still beating so hard it feels like it will leap out of his chest. Nezumi is already asleep, his breathing and heart rate mostly returned to normal.

As his breathing finally begins to slow, his mind starts to clear. The experiences of the dream are still palpable, as real as a memory, but after the night’s events, how could Nezumi be anything but alive?

 

*** 

 

Shion awakes with a start. The first thing he does is begin to panic. Nezumi isn’t here. He forces himself to calm down, to think rationally. He checks the time. It is past 9 o’clock. He realized that Nezumi must have already left to go to work.

Shion gets up to go and get dressed. He is late for his own job, and after missing the previous day with no warning… Luckily he doesn’t have any proposals of his own that he needs to put through, but he still needs to maintain a presence if he wants the other members of the committee to accept him.

When he steps out of bed, he is somewhat surprised to find that he actually has clothes on. He thinks back through the previous night, trying to figure out when he had gotten dressed. He doesn’t come up with any answer, but he doesn’t get overly concerned about it. His mind, and by extension, his memory, has never been the most… reliable in that state.

As he leaves the room, he thinks, _Nezumi picked all the clothes up off the floor. I’ll have to reward him for that later._

He goes down the stairs and into the kitchen to get himself some breakfast. There is a batch of fresh-baked muffins on the counter, teasing him. Inviting him to have one. He considers yelling to his mother and asking if he can have one, but he is still uncertain of the idea of speaking to anyone except Nezumi.

He decides to take the muffin. If his mom was really worried about it, he would just pay her back. He grabs a paper towel from by the sink and goes to the table to eat. He’s already halfway trough the muffin by the time he reaches the table.

He barely has time to sit down before Karan comes out from the store. She comes out and looks at him with such a look of incredulity, and all he can think is that he’s going to be paying for this muffin.

But the way she is looking at him… It’s more than that. What could it be?

A thought works its way to the front of his mind. Shion sends it away, refusing to even admit to the possibility. That had all been a dream. It definitely had.

Hadn’t it? 

“Oh, Shion…” says Karan. Her tone of voice… was it sympathy?

No. Shion refuses to believe it. He is just getting himself all worked up over nothing again. Nezumi is going to come home this evening and laugh at him for being so worked up. 

The doorbell to the shop rings. Karan continues to stare at Shion for another second, then she turns around to go serve whatever customer just walked in. Shion hears muffled voices from behind the shop door.

The door opens, and Karan is saying, “Yes, of course. Come on in.” She gestures inside the house. 

Through the door steps a man that Shion sincerely wishes that he didn’t recognize. It is Jeff, the detective in charge of the investigation of Nezumi’s murder.

“Hey,” Jeff says and he sits down next to Shion. “Do you think you could tell me anything yet?” 

But Shion isn’t paying attention to Jeff. He _can’t_ pay attention to Jeff. Just when he had started to think that Nezumi hadn’t died, it turns out that he is dead after all. _Nezumi is dead…_ It hits him all over again. It feels just like the first time. To Shion, it feels as though his heart had been ripped out. And just as soon as somebody started to patch him up, started to sew him back together, the stitches are being torn right through and his heart ripped out a second time.

It is more painful this time. The first time, he’d been able to numb himself and process what had happened slowly. But this time, he already knows what had happened. So it hits him all at once. Full-force. 

He can’t see. He can’t breathe. He can’t think. He sees nothing but images of Nezumi, which get more and more distorted by the second. Nezumi is standing there before him, holding out a hand, and then is shot. Shion wants to yell, to warn him, but he can’t find his voice. He watches as Nezumi dies right in front of him. Again and again and again and again and aga—

He feels a hand on his arm, rescuing him from these images. It is his mother. He looks up at her, and then feels her warmth as she takes him into her embrace. But this hug feels just as real as Nezumi’s from the day before. So which was the dream? 

He is aware of a heat on his face and knows he is crying. He can’t stop it. And why should he? He just lets his mother hold him.

Had he been imagining the Nezumi from yesterday? But it had seemed so real… And that Nezumi had been different from the idealized versions that appear in Shion’s dreams. He had been more accurate. More real. But everything here is equally as real. It is so overwhelming. The feelings are so overpowering, all he can really do is cry into his mother’s arms. Slowly, all thoughts drain from his mind except one, circling around and around in his mind. 

_Is he alive, or is he dead?_

_Which life is reality?_

 

END PART 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a work in progress and I had been trying to get a new part out every week or so. This thing is going to be pretty massive. I have outlines written out and three quarters of a side of a page equaled about ten to twelve pages worth of fic. I have 5 sheets of paper. Both sides. So that kind of gives you an idea of how long this will eventually be. 
> 
> I'm temporarily on hiatus with it since my laptop died about two weeks ago. Luckily, I will be able to get all my old files so nothing is actually lost, but I won't have access to any of them until I get a new laptop. Which will hopefully be soon. I apologize for this.
> 
> EDIT: Soooo....... yeah. laptop died. that was like a year and a half ago. then i forgot what the hell all my notes meant, then i procrastinated, then i kind of switched fandoms. Yeah.   
> I actually typed out here which universe was the real one, but i think in the spirit of being evil, im just not going to tell you. yall have to guess. sorry.


End file.
